“I Just Want to Disappear”: The End Result of a Lifetime of Dehumanization and Abuse
“I just want to disappear” are the last words I said to medical personnel and those same words would end my Air Force career for good.
I’m not exactly sure where to start as I’ve never put words to any of this before but here goes. I want to talk about the anger and sadness I felt my entire life. It would not be until I went through some old family pictures and moved from Maine to California to save my life that everything would present itself to me. All it took was some narcissist experts on Twitter and Instagram and I started figuring sh*t out one person at a time.
You see this behavior started for me in childhood and much like my military career at the end, I wanted to disappear from my home life too. And that’s exactly what I did. When I turned 18, I left for college and was planning on never looking back. I hated my life in rural western Maine. There was nothing there for me yet that’s exactly where I would end up even though I swore to never return.
I thought I could make it on my own and I was determined to make a better life for myself after the hell I went through in my toxic home. I knew anything was better than that sh*t and I was gonna make it happen. I mistakenly believed that if I got a bachelor’s degree I would be all set for life. I was wrong. But I went to college at the University of Maine at Farmington my freshman year and would quickly realize college was a piece of cake for me and I had nothing to worry about where this was concerned. So I decided to dream bigger.
My high school sweetheart joined the Army and was stationed at Fort Wainwright in Alaska. He wanted to get married but I put the brakes on that sh*t real quick like after what I witnessed with my mother’s two marriages. I decided why not transfer to the University of Alaska Fairbanks and give this relationship a chance before I say yes (or no) to marriage with him.
Read more here.
Jennifer and Lee 