Jennifer and Lee

It’s making you cry every time
You give your love to me this way
Saying you’d wait for me to stay
I know it hurts you

But I need to tell you something
My heart just can’t be faithful for long
I swear I’ll only make you cry

Maybe I’d change for you someday
But I can’t help the way I feel
Wish I was good, wish that I could
Give you my love now

But I need to tell you something
My heart just can’t be faithful for long
I swear I’ll only make you cry

I need to tell you something
My heart just can’t be faithful for long
I swear I’ll only make you cry

Cigarettes After Sex “Cry” Lyrics

Wow. These words have a whole new meaning to me right now given what I am going through currently. My life has been completely turned upside down like nothing that I ever could have imagined. I am sitting here in shock with my present circumstances wondering how it all happened and how I lost over two decades of my life to the toxic U.S. military. Joining this federal government institution would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life. God, I wish I had guidance from someone who gave a damn. I just wanted to use the National Guard as a hand-up in life and none of what went down was in my control. I think that’s the part that f*cks me up the most. These folks hi-jacked my life and beat me into the ground with trauma, all while doing extremely stressful, demanding work. The best part.. getting out and having every goddamn branch of service and the entire world treat you like you were at some club med. I wish.

It’s been years since I have been able to express myself. I noticed the damage to my brain in 2013 and stopped doing anything public that required me to talk as a result. All these years, I thought I had a bad case of the PTSD and it turns out chronic lead poisoning was killing me. After zero success at the Department of Veterans Affairs to get help for a number of chronic illnesses including untreated Lyme disease, I moved my happy ass all the way from rural Maine nothing to Southern California. And it turned out to be the best decision of my life. Everything here in California is working out and we found our flow. Both Lee and I are finally getting the medical treatment we deserve and Lee is currently getting intensive therapy at a veteran’s program. He went years without decent treatment for post traumatic stress from his service in the Air Force and abuse he experienced from an ex-wife and family members.

After we moved, we realized the true extent of the direction our lives took when everything was out of our control. We realized both of us were sick and vulnerable and a number of people took advantage of the vulnerability and kindness as opposed to helping us or guiding us. We realized that none of the so-called parental figures in our lives gave one goddamn iota about our health. We realized that we were truly on our own in regards to figuring things out in life and people were just waiting for us to drown. After moving and having several conversations with one family member, I would learn that the family unit expected that I would die by suicide, just like my father did. I was on my death bed when I sold my father’s home in Maine and Lee was well enough to drive us from Maine to California where the first doctor we found began immediately taking care of us. I have the Lyme community to thank for that.

I realized that we were both so sick, we didn’t realize what was happening right in front of us. It was around the time of the pandemic that we would really come to grips with life and see things for what they truly were because we both weened off psychotropic medications to get a new baseline. I would realize I don’t need medication; I need therapy, EMDR, biofeedback, etc. We’re still not sure what Lee needs. It’s in the works right now. But we do know he needs to be able to talk freely about his experiences with no judgement or shame. The most important part is saying the words. We couldn’t say them or feel them while we were still in survival mode. We had to go no contact with everyone to cut out the noise and focus solely on ourselves. We wanted to get ourselves right for of course ourselves… and each other.

I’m not exactly sure where this journey is taking us but I do know I feel better after I started the lead poisoning chelation and detox. We’re not done. The treatment could be upwards of 8 months. I am at about the halfway mark right now. I have regained my independence. Lee used to drive us everywhere because I was dizzy all the time. I have been driving to my doctor’s appointments during the week and running errands. I live in a small beach community and it’s really easy to get around here… and peaceful. This little town and the surrounding area have everything we need. And because both of us have been so sick, we chose a place where we could get everything delivered if need be. Most of our shopping now is via delivery and because we eat a low inflammation diet, we like this great outfit called Farm Fresh that delivers organic fruits and vegetables. Our health issues forced us to go gluten, dairy and mostly sugar free to help lower inflammation levels and we did in fact notice a significant health benefit from these food changes but it didn’t heal us.

In 2019 my health took a turn for the worse and in retrospect Lee’s did too. I was too sick to notice what was going on with him. We took care of each other as best we could but we weren’t good checks and balances for one another. We really could have used some outside intervention. It turns out, tick borne disease in an endemic state like Maine changed our lives forever and for the better. Lyme disease, anaplasmosis, babesia, bartonella and so many other bacteria in the body were causing high levels of systemic inflammation. Lyme disease pushed our health over the edge and forced us to do or die. The market seemed perfectly positioned to accommodate our desire to make money off the sale of the house and invest whatever proceeds we made on paying off all the bills and investing in our healthcare. The home my father gave to me protected me and Lee while living in Maine and now the home my father gave me is going to save me and Lee. My father is taking care of me even in death on a monthly basis. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for his investment in me.

My father lived in California for years. He worked at Mare Island Naval Shipyard in Vallejo. I spent a summer with him prior to the seventh grade. I swear I feel him more here in California than I did in Maine. I deduced it’s probably because he was happy in California… and so am I. I plan to visit where he lived in the San Francisco area and all the locations he took me to when I was a kid. I have my dad’s collection of post cards from all the places he visited too. I want to retrace his steps here in California with Lee. We’re looking forward to our health improving so we can resume traveling again. We moved to a paradise in the meantime so we could staycation in an amazing place. Southern California keeps us thoroughly entertained on every level and offers all the services you could possibly desire including the much sought out services for trauma like EMDR. We had no healthcare in rural Maine and because we couldn’t get any treatment for untreated Lyme disease, we sold our home to move somewhere that would treat us. California is ahead of the game on all levels of healthcare. Maine is killing its citizens with a lack of tick borne illness education, testing, and treatment.

My doctor found the lead poisoning I had been struggling with since the 2001-2005 timeframe about a year after he started treating me. According to the labs, the Lyme was getting better but I still was not doing well. But at the time, we were trying to figure out what was going on with Lee too. I was concerned about Lee’s brain so we tested and learned I have brain inflammation. And we were concerned about heavy metal toxicity with Lee and it turns out I had high levels of lead poisoning. We are still working the healthcare system to learn more about Lee’s specific brain functioning issues we are concerned about. But I can say with full confidence, we found the root cause of my health issues. The lead poisoning also made me susceptible to other disease and because my immune system was not functioning properly, I was not able to properly fight off inflammation in the body. It would eventually lead to distention in the stomach, brain inflammation, and overall swelling of the body due to an ineffective immune response. Lead poisoning makes antibiotics less effective.

I started getting curious about where the f*ck I got lead from. I had high levels of lead in my body which explained almost every symptom I had. This whole time I thought it was PTSD from multiple traumatic events including the suicide of my father after battling bone cancer. So I started thinking about my history. It wasn’t at my house post military because Lee was fine. I honestly can’t remember if I checked my bases in Maine but I did check the military base I was stationed at in Cape Cod, Massachusetts and bingo, there it was. Alas, I had an explanation for the frequent vomiting and deteriorating health while I was working at this base. I learned my father died when I first got stationed at this base so I just assumed I was not doing well physically because I was suffering mentally. I was working for toxic leadership and their ill treatment had me fighting off suicide too. Now I know why. The trauma and the chronic lead poisoning would eventually deem me ineffective in 2008, three years after leaving the same base I was not only stop lossed at but poisoned with lead.

Everything started to make sense. I dived into research of the issue and learned so much more that only made me angrier and angrier. So the base I was stationed at was taken over by the EPA in 2004 while I was stationed there. This explains why bottled water showed up on the scene. It was official the Massachusetts Military Reservation (MMR) was deemed an EPA superfund site. The first discovery of the lead poisoning came in 1989 when a local community found lead in their water. It traced back to the MMR where lead ammunition and lead in the jet fuel contaminated both the groundwater and soil. And because I was the only one who lived in the dorms during the week, I was curious about lead in the water pipes as well and sure as shit, there was a warning on the Air National Guard website. The base was closed by a base realignment and closure committee in 2005. And to this day, the 2022 Consumer Confidence Report for Otis Air National Guard Base still admits there is lead in the water lines. I drank a lot of water while living on that base.

I couldn’t help but think about my dad working on Mare Island Naval Shipyard for all those years. He had bone cancer and lead settles in the bones and teeth. I even got burton’s line in the whole ordeal and had to have extensive teeth work done in 2020. We didn’t know what it was at the time but I do now. I was curious about Mare Island so I started googling Mare Island and lead and sure as shit the same thing that happened to my old base happened to Mare Island Naval Shipyard. It was part of the base realignment and closure act in 1996 about 10 years after my dad left his engineering position and moved back to Maine. It was closed due to lead contamination and is now part of the National Register of Historic Places. Had I not moved closer to a city to get healthcare, I could have just as easily acquired cancer in the next few years and died at 57 much like my father did. I can’t prove that lead poisoning was the root cause in my dad’s case but I can prove lead poisoning was the root cause in my case. And as a result, I’m going to make sure folks are fully educated about water contamination, the dangers of lead poisoning, how to get tested, and how to treat it. Great list of symptoms found here.